Why I'm Failing at Keeping Up with the Kardashians

(As originally reported in the Lake Oswego Review newspaper in July 2010)

While lying face-first on the cold linoleum floor at Target, I realized that, no matter how much I try, they will always be more glamorous...

A few years ago, my family expanded to include five new sisters and a brother. Not a result of a marriage, divorce or adoption, however; I simply turned on my TV. And my second family, the Kardashians, will continue their hit reality TV show for a fifth season starting next month.

And, I couldn’t be more proud of my sisters. They’re such dolls!

The reality drama “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” produced by Ryan Seacrest for the E! Network, documents the lives of the Kardashian/Jenner brood, consisting of the ex-wife and children of late attorney Robert Kardashian, who defended O.J. Simpson in the mid- 90s, and new husband/Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner. You can’t write a script hilarious enough to compare with how these people actually live — big houses, big money, big projects, commercials, red carpets and bickering over something each episode — like a $5,000 dress or whether to adopt a tiny purse dog — before they eventually have a “Full House” moment and make up.

The daughters’ spin off show “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami” is just an extension of the fab footage.

I mean, don’t we all complain about having to take a commercial jet instead of a private one because we purchased too much on vacation and were counting on the extra cabin space?

While mom and daughters own and manage women’s boutiques called D-A-S-H in Carlsbad, Calif. and Miami, Fla., it’s their jet-setting lifestyle, dozens of endorsement deals for companies like Carl’s Jr. and QuickTrim, and mesmerizing top-rated reality TV show, that captured America’s hearts.

And, I fell in love.

While many reality TV programs follow unknown people playing dating games or remodeling houses, this show brings the Hollywood lifestyle — the good and the bad — into my living room. My real-life sister, Alicia, and I are so happy to have expanded our family. And, while Alicia works in the radio industry, and I am a newspaper editor, musician and local TV show host, we find it nearly impossible to keep up with the Armenian beauties who dominate the media industry.

Meet my new family and then understand why — although I try — I cannot keep up with the Kardashians.

While laying face-first on the cold linoleum floor at Target, I realized that, no matter how much I try, they will always be more glamorous.

Bruce Jenner, 60: Dad and former U.S. track and field Olympic gold medal athlete turned motivational speaker. A nice guy with good morals, his wife and daughters sometimes find it best to not tell Bruce what’s going on — like the bikini shoot in Mexico.

Kris Jenner, 54: Mom and manager of daughters’ careers. Kris is more of a best friend than a mom and calls her girls “dolls.”

Kourtney Kardashian, 31: Just had first child out of wedlock and has appeared in countless magazines. Her boyfriend dresses like the Great Gatsby yet sometimes doesn’t treat her so great.

Kim Kardashian, 29: Most famous daughter who has appeared in Playboy after a pornographic home video she made with her then- boyfriend, R&B singer Ray J, was leaked. Became well-known as a well-endowed socialite and for partying with Paris Hilton, although she claims to not drink alcohol. A dead ringer for Jasmine from Disney’s “Aladdin.” Her perfume is called Dashing.

Khloe Kardashian, 26: The loud daughter with a radio show in Miami called “Khloe After Dark.” She towers over Kourtney and Kim in height and personality. Married 6’10” Lamar Odom from the Los Angeles Lakers, so now he’s the tallest of the brood. Their wedding — planned in 10 days — was aired on the show, proving that it’s OK to make money while taking vows with a multi-millionare.

Rob Kardashian, 23: The dead- beat brother with no job. He moves from one family’s house to the next. He likes video games and used to date Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon. He sold his Range Rover on Ebay.

Kendall Jenner, 14, and Kylie Jenner, 12: One’s a Wilhelmina Model who has appeared in Forever 21 ads. The other is just trying to keep up with the rest of her family, kind of like me.

And, while I don’t agree with all of their choices, I do respect their work ethic, close bond and confidence. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned from my new family, the Kardashians, and why I’m not adopting all of their ways:

---Family first: With such a large bunch — they have even more siblings that aren’t highlighted on the show — the family makes it a point to stay in constant contact with each other. During one episode, Kim called her mom to say that Kourtney hid her Blackberry and laptop because she was addicted. While Alicia and I consider our family to be pretty good at knowing what’s going on, there are definitely people we’d like to talk to more — and many live close by.

But sometimes the show contains a bit too much closeness. Like when Kourtney gave Khloe a bikini wax or
when Kim got Lasik eye surgery with her sisters and a film crew eyeing so she could see better for her performance with The Pussycat Dolls.

---Never leave the house without heels, hair and makeup: While they make just about anything look glamorous — they travel to Vegas with hair and make-up stylists — my trip to Ikea and Target over the weekend could have cost me a hospital bill.

Wearing cute skinny jeans, perfect make-up and sky-high heels, I thought I’d make shopping look too glamorous too. That was until my feet got the best of me. I resorted to walking through Target barefoot and nearly crying to Alicia about the linoleum saying, “at least the floor is cold. My feet feel like I walked across hot coals.” From now on, I vow to wear appropriate shoes when shopping for hours on end. I’m not Kim Kardashian so no one is noticing my footwear. And no one but Britney Spears walks barefoot through stores anyway.

---Business is what you make it: Have a fascinating life? Befriend Ryan Seacrest and film it for TV. Like the beach? Start a bikini line. The Kardashians have made a commodity out of endorsing products they use. Perfume? Make one. Like attending parties? Get paid to host ‘em. All of my non-work activities — like acting in commercials, pro- ducing a cable access TV show and my new solo album — could one day help my media career, too. Now, get me on the phone with Seacrest.

---A child is only the beginning: While I am still a bit immature in my thought process about having children — do I have to??? — Kourtney has shown me that just because you have a baby, you can still look fabulous, work and spend time with friends. I vow to never wear “mom jeans,” drive a mini-van or give up my life’s passion when/if I have children (or get married). I like being busy. If I ever have kids, they will only enhance my life. The Kardashians make a big family look fun.

At the end of the day, it’s your family that will always be there for you. And, while I may be a bit old for Halloween costumes, it was my mom’s idea to dress up like the Kardashians for Halloween this year. (She also loves our new family). So, I’ve got four months to perfect wearing too-high heels for more than two hours. The Kardashians make it hard to keep up ... but dolls, it’s so fun to try.